I have debated for a couple of days on weather or not to even do this post. I've struggled with the wording, what should I say and how should i say it, what direction should I go with it, and pretty much everything to do with today's blog. I finally decided that nope, I wasn't going to do it. As I was driving to work this morning a song came on the radio that was such a blessing to me and as it played my heart was opened and I got all the peace that I needed to write the blog and knew the direction that I should go with it.What song was it you ask? Well it was none other than Laura Story's "Blessings." http://www.youtube.com/embed/1CSVqHcdhXQ?fs=1 I really like the whole song but the chorus, for me, really makes you open your eyes to see the blessings around you and shows you that they aren't always packaged with pretty bows. For those of you that don't know what song I'm talking about, the following is the chorus of "Blessings."
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are
Your mercies in disguise
February 1, 2002 started as any normal day for me, I got up went to school, went to work after school, and it was as I was closing the store that I got the phone call that no 17 year old should EVER have to take and no 12 year old should EVER have to make. It was my 12 year old brother telling me that something terrible had happened to our Mama.
I didn't know what to do. I panicked. I remember telling myself that I had to calm down so that I could drive home. I was just beside myself with emotions, trying to convince myself that she was going to be ok that everything was just fine, that Matt was overreacting. In the back of my mind I knew that she wasn't ok that everything wasn't fine, that he wasn't overreacting. I knew that she was gone.
That was a Friday, the rest of that weekend and the week following were pretty much a blurr.
(To fill those of ya'll in who don't know the situation at the time, I was not living with my Moma. She and my brother Matthew, had just moved to Alabama. It was my senior year in high school and I wanted to finish it out at Avery. Moma agreed to that and so I moved in with Mamaw with the intentions of moving to Alabama after graduation.)
After Mama passed away I begin to think alot about the big milestones that were to come in my life. Getting married, having kids, and just learning about life from your mother, things that nobody else on the face of this earth can teach you. I was 17 when I lost her, it's an extremely hard thing to deal with when you are that age and you have to come to the realiziation that you are going to have to deal with life without your Moma!!! Yea, I had my Mamaw, my aunts, my stepmother, and different women who were influential in my life but NONE of them were MY Moma and, as much as I loved and love them now, they would NEVER be able to fill that position.
Fast forward life 10 years, that brings us to today. WOW it literally seems like yesterday!!! Lots of happenings have occured in the past 10 years. I have delt with big milestones, most recently getting married. It was really hard not having her there and not being able to share in that special day with her. Coming up in a few months I will be coming to a brand new milestone that I will have to deal with, that is the birth of a child.
Ok, now to the real point of the blog...
When I think about my Moma, I think about Blessings. What a blessing it was to have her for the 17 years that God allowed me to. What a blessing it was being raised by her. I know that I will only be a stronger Mom to my children because of my Moma, because of the things she taught me in that short amount of time. No she was not perfect she did make mistakes but I feel like she done one heck of a job raising me and my brothers.
One line from the song that really strikes me is "What if your healing comes through tears?" I feel like alot of my healing HAS came through the tears that I've shed. BUT, I know that God has always been there and comforted me and lessened the pain. I'm not saying that I don't miss my Moma, Lord knows I'd give my right arm to have her here with me today. I'm just saying that by God's grace I know I will see her again.
"In the worst of time, there is the possibility of seeing hope...We can say 'I can be a rainbow in the cloud for someone yet to be.' That may be our calling."~ Maya Angelou
In closing I just want to remind you to NOT overlook the blessings in your life. No matter how big or how small. What some may see as a burden, others see as a blessing.
Just spent the last 15 min. crying. Your post was so heartfelt and beautifully written. So deeply touched by your loss and the insight and maturity it has given you. I do understand as my daughters and I deal with a similar loss and pain. You are right!!! No child should have to deal with such loss. There are no words that can make it right or better. Though it has been ten years, I know it still seems like today. (Trying to type through these tears.) I remember going to a prayer meeting shortly after David's passing. There were prayer requests for a child having trouble at the bus stop and a car that needed repair. I just wanted to shout out about how trivial and ordinary these things seemed when you've had so great a loss. Indeed, God cares about all things in our lives, but some of us are called to bear the unimaginable. Our lives take a totally different turn, but it was always God's plan. Rachael, you will be a wonderful Mommy. Each day you will be reminded how precious this little life is and you will treasure every moment because you know that every moment is a gift and none of us really know how many we have. Your Mama would be so proud of you and how you grew up to become a good person, wife and soon Mother. No one can ever replace your Mother even though I know you have some great women in your life. There will always be days of sadness for such a great loss. There will be times of joy and "hugs from Heaven" as she smiles with great pride at her beloved daughter and grandchild. Really excited for you and Jimmy. You will be great parents . . . made better by this tragedy and your little one will be greatly loved. Sorry this comment was so long. Your story really hit home and is blessing and healing for me as well. I wish you continued blessings and healing and joy as you prepare for this wonderful miracle. Hugs from Aunt P.
ReplyDeleteThank you Aunt Pam. Like I said, I've struggled with the thought of even doing it for a couple of days and when I heard that song, I knew I had to.
DeleteI was so deeply blessed to get your email, and even more blessed that you would share your blog with me! I am so excited to keep up with you on here! Blogging is really wonderful, and I've found SO many people here on blogger to follow and I am so encouraged everyday! I love it here, and I'm glad to find someone on here that I know personally that is SUPER exciting!!!
ReplyDeleteThis post was beautiful, and sad. Its amazing that you can find blessings in this though- it proves where your heart is. Only a child of God can find comfort in loosing someone, because we know the promise that we will be reunited with them- isn't that a wonderful promise! But sometimes we find out how strong we are when being strong is the only choice that we have.
I am so sorry that you had to experience all of this- and at such a young age.. but you are about to experience something like you've never felt before in your entire life!!! Nothing in my life has even came close to the feelings I have experienced since I became a mother. I've never felt my heart become so sensitive, I've never seen God so real, I've never felt so much in my entire life as I have since my daughter was born, and it was only magnified by another child :) Its amazing to be married to be a wife- to love someone that way.. and when your child gets here, you'll feel a love so amazingly unconditional that everything in the world will seem ten times more amazing! I love this and I am so excited to be following you!!! :) You are a wonderful woman and always have been, and will be a really, super amazing mother! I can't wait to read that blog.. its absolutely the MOST amazing experience in the world!!! Enjoy your pregnancy, it'll be the last time on earth you won't worry yourself to death everynight lol, but its so worth it. :)
Don't know how I missed this post the first time, but I just read it today.
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful post and I'm glad you took the time to share your thoughts. Everyone who knows you, knows you will be an amazing mother. We are blessed to have you in the family and can't wait to meet your little one!
Love you!